Thursday, August 19, 2010

As Summer chages into Fall...

Last year when we moved back to Sierra Vista I decided that I was going to get back into Church. I have always been a very spiritual person but after years of being forced to go to church on Sundays, Wednesday and going to a Church school I rebelled against Church and religion in general. For far too long I felt that I didn't need Church as an institution. I fully whole-Heatedly believed that as long as I prayed everyday and believed and loved Jesus with all my heart and sole that it was enough. As time went on I began to feel an emptiness... I instantly knew what it was but was not fully sure how to fulfill it. I didn't want to go to church alone in Tucson, so I just didn't go. When we moved back to Sierra Vista I felt like I could be renewed, start over!! I especially wanted Gabe in the Church setting. I began going to Bible Study on Wednesdays and Church on Thursday nights. I was beginning to feel...WHOLE. It was an amazing feeling. Over time I stopped going to Church because most nights I would go alone, which I didn't mind but I would take Gabe with me and by the time I got him out of the childcare he was exhausted ready for bed and screaming all the way home. Sometimes Jorge would go with me and it would make my heart flutter like crazy it would make me so happy! The thing that really kept me going though was Bible Study! I just Loved meeting up with all of the other woman excited to hear more about God's love.. and the food.. ohhh the food. Yummmy! Gotta love those Southern woman's cooking! By the end of Spring I was feeling like a new person.. like a better..more complete, fulfilled woman of God. I can't explain it but I felt amazing!! I had a LONGGG way to go to get to where I wanted to be spiritually, but I was getting there!!

It is hard, though, to be a good Christian person in a world full of evil. People love to bring you down and make fun of you. I felt like people were always judging me... wondering why I was changing my ways... not that I have to answer to anyone else but it can be hard.

Summer began and I had nowhere to go... No Bible Studies.. I could have gone to Church I know and I should have.. anything would have been better then nothing. As summer went on I felt myself drifting away once again. The connection I once had was leaving me... my commitment to myself was gone.. the anger, frustration, meanness all of the ways of the world flooded back to me like the great flood. Everything I had known over the year just disappeared. I have nobody to blame but myself.. I could have worked harder to keep what I had but it was easier to be lazy and let it go. I regret it so much.

So here I am in August starting a new Bible Study! The Bible Study is called "Satisfied at Last..." By Kay Harms, who happens to be the Woman's Ministry Leader!! I feel like this is the exact study I have been waiting for for my whole life. Like she wrote it just for me!! This time I am ready to grasp every little bit and hold on to it and I am not going to let anything STOP me! Especially not myself!!

I am on a road to Change.. for the better.. for myself and for everyone around me... If you don't like it.. well.. then maybe we will meet down the road... ♥

1 comment:

Ambrosia said...

Love this post friend. I know what you mean about feeling judged for your choices. But ultimately the only judgement you need to concern yourself with is His judgment. It doesnt matter what people say, It does matter what God says. I am anticipating the day that the Lord says to me 'well done, good and faithful servant!'

I had no idea you were going through this. I'm always around if you need me...I love God too! I'll be praying for you friend <3