Friday, October 3, 2014

Confession

     I have been putting off writing this blog post for a couple of reasons, 
         1. Who wants to confess anything                   to anyone EVER?! 
         2. My computer is capooot right  now which means I have to do the writing from my phone which is a huge pain. 

Unfortunately, I just keep getting this feeling that I need to write this out, if for no one but for myself. 

Let me just back up a little bit before I word vomit all over the page. I have been feeling like I need to change something in me, so I have been working at it for awhile now. However, this past week was one of those weeks where everytime I turned around it was being thrown in my face. Whether it be word pictures I saw {thank you pinterest and Instagram for getting all up in my biz} or bible study, or amazing speakers or just friends speaking unknowingly about my soon to be confession. You know when something just gets all over you and you are finally like OKAY! I get it! That is how this week was for me. 

Ok enough stalling, my confession is that I get irritated really easily with people. Not usually so much with friends and family but more so with strangers. Maybe this doesn't seem like a huge thing to anyone but me, but it is something that I have allowed to:

               EAT ME UP INSIDE!

For example, if someone is rude to me for no reason at all {at least I perceive it to be no reason} I will be so angry and I will let it sit deep in my soul for the rest of the day. 
           
            But that's not all... Ohhh no! 

I HAVE to call my best friend to tell her about the injustices that have been done to me. I mean she would want to know! And she would be on my side right?! 

                Oh, but that's not all! 

After I have been wronged it seems that nobody can do right, I take every.single.little.thing to heart and suddenly everyone is offending me.

                   But that's not all!

Sometimes I'm just so irritated that I take it out on my family. So not only has MY day been ruined, now so has my best friends and any other poor sap who happens to run into me that day but it has ruined my families day also. All because of what? 

         ~My easily offendable heart~

Writing this down makes me even more ashamed. To be so easily upset over something so silly. Luckily, I don't act on it, at least not towards that person. I can put on a smile and walk away usually, but it gets so deep in me that it exhausts me for the rest of the day. 

This past week or 2 there has been a repeat offender in my life. The funny thing is that it all started over something SO SMALL! She cut me off in the church parking lot {classy right?} and when she got out of her car she didn't even bother to apologize. Right after that she didn't hold the church door open for me when I clearly needed someone to hold it open. After those 2 offenses I was pretty upset. I know it's ridiculous, but hey now you see why I'm working on it. After I left the church that day I prayed that I would be loving, not be easily offended, let things go, and to not pick up the phone and call my bestie to tell her how furious I was. Well it's funny how God works sometimes. He answered my prayer by testing me, looking back now I think He was saying, "show me that you mean what you are saying". 
      
      Fast forward 5 minutes at the bank. 

I needed to pull into a parking spot but a cars passenger side door was open, I pulled in quickly as a car was coming to my right and I didn't want to hit it. The girl in the parked car pulled her door closed but not enough, it was still sticking out and I didn't want to hit it {my bad}. Once I pulled in all the way to that spot the girl stared me down. I could feel her eyes burning a hole into my head. I told myself "self, you are not going to be offended, you will not be angry or irritated, you will not call BFF to tell her about the crazy lady in the car next to you and you WILL be loving no matter what happens." The bank wasn't open yet so I had to sit in my car next to this car for a good 10 minutes. Akward. I finally got out before the girl got out of her car and I was prepared for anything {well except for a shanking.. I Definantly Was not prepared for that}. I went into the bank and as I was leaving I saw her standing in line, I was staring at her, I wanted her to look at me, I just wanted to smile at her and if it came down to it thank her for closing her door for me. She never looked my way, maybe she was ashamed, maybe she didn't care as much as I thought she did. 

I think I create these scenarios in my head and it just enlarges everything in such a huge way. Clearly something is wrong with me, not with the lady at the church who rubs ME the wrong way or the lady in the parking lot who closed her door for me. I make these petty things so big when they deserve no attention at all. 

Everyday since that day I have been tested, oh boy have I been tested... But if you think about it, it makes sense. 

     God wants us to work through our   issues. 

If I'm not tested every single day then I don't get a chance to work on myself and ultimately get past my weaknesses. We can ask God for help all day long, or tell Him how we are going to do better next time but if we don't actually do it, or change it, then how can we ever get past it? We also have to recognize our downfalls, and our weaknesses, so that we can ask for help. So that we can ask God for help but also to share with others so that they can help us through it as well. 

2 Corinthians 12:10 ESV 

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.



If you're like me and you find yourself feeling that turning feeling in your stomach everytime you think something, or see someone or feel something then ask God to guide you and to help you figure out what it is. You will feel so much better if you confess it {at least to yourself} and allow God to work through it with you. 
Being strong for yourself or others is not going to accomplish anything, but being weak in Him will provide everything you ever dreamed of and more.