Thursday, September 6, 2018

Will I Ever Change?

I have had these thoughts that have overwhelmed me so much that I have wanted to write them down but when I think about writing it down I get overwhelmed! There are so many things that I don't DO because the "doing" them overwhelms me. The thought of doing it wrong, or bad or not being able to do it fully, gets me every time. So instead... I do nothing. 

Genius, right?! 

I used to at least start... start a project or start writing (i.e. I started this blog 9 years ago) but I found out I was really bad at completing the projects. Honestly, I can't even paint my nails without getting bored or frustrated so I just stopped doing it. What is the point of starting projects you won't finish? That you will only be disappointed in yourself in the end? 

When I have thought about this blog I have thought about how inconsistent I have been and how I don't have 1 subject that I focus in on and so when I think of writing on here... I decide it's probably not worth it. 

But then something happens...

like this past week... when I have a thought that is so overwhelming that I just HAVE to write it down. I can't overthink it, I just have to do it! 

It may not be a thought that is interesting to anyone but me, but I felt like I got so much insight that I need to write it down for my own future, for my own knowledge and memory. 

Juliana, my middle child who is SO my child, if you know what I mean... we have a lot of talks about her behavior. She has a little bit of a listening problem and a little problem with not doing what she is told. She is the sweetest girl and she is full of leadership skills but she dances, or cartwheels, to the beat of her own drum. 

We often have conversation's about her behavior. She asks me, "mom am I bad?" and I tell her that she is not bad but she does make bad choices which have consequences. She seems to get it but she still has issues listening. The other night as we were talking, she sat down across from me and looking worn and discouraged she asked me, "mom will I always be like this?". 


It broke my heart to think that she thought that she was incapable of changing. As her mom I can see the small change she needs to make; just do as you are told! It is so easy! What she does, does not make her bad or unchangeable. The choices she makes does not dictate who she is. But to her it feels so big, she feels BAD and she feels trapped like she will always be bad or she will always not listen. 

I don't see a bad little girl, I see a girl with a huge heart, who loves with all that she has, who could make one small change to be a better version of herself. 

Having this conversation with Juliana hit me like a Mac truck. I think the exact same way as my 7-year-old does! I do things or think things that I feel like dictate who I am. When I fail at something, I call myself a Failure. When I mess up in leading I decide that I must not be a good leader and I should never lead anyone. I wrap my identity in what I do, to decide who I am. 

I am bad!

When I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of my shortcomings I decide that I will never be able to change. Change can feel soooo hard. It can feel so distant and impossible and sometimes I decide "this is who I am and who I will always be". But this conversation with Juliana made me realize that God sees me the same way I see Juliana. He sees the changes that I can make to be the best version of me. He sees that it is not impossible, it is just a matter of being intentional about changing. And He sees that I am not my mistakes, my shortcomings, my actions or my reactions.

He sees all of me!

He gives me grace when I try and I fail, He is rooting for me just like I am rooting for Juliana. When I catch her listening I do my best to acknowledge it and encourage it. In fact, since that conversation, we have both been doing better. My frustration with her has lessened and my response to her has made her want to try harder to listen. 

In my own moments of despair, I go back to this conversation with my 7-year-old, and I remind myself that I am a Child of a God who sees me, who sees that little change that I need to make and He is looking at me seeing all of the good in me, not all of my shortcomings. 

In the end, I think it is worth it to start the projects, to dream the big dreams and go after them. To blog even if it will only be once this year. Finishing the projects is not always as important as starting them. Remembering that if I do fail, I am not a failure, that is not who I am. I am capable of change and growth just like Juliana is and I can't let it feel too big to take it on. 

Hang in there and never stop trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be! 

Thursday, August 4, 2016

So it Begins

This week has been a big week for our family! I officially started working on Monday {very part time} at my church, from home! It is something that has been in works since last fall so it's a huge blessing to be where I am at now!

Jocelyn started pre-school on Tuesday 

She has Ms. Claudia who I can tell I'm going to adore! Joc didn't even care about me leaving as I dropped her off. I asked if she made any friends and she said "yes, girls and boys". Then she told me about her whole day of coloring, playing, singing. 

Juliana started kindergarten! 
She was so excited! The night we met her teacher she just wanted to hang out in the room the whole time. We are so blessed that she got mrs. Falcon! 
The first time I ever met mrs. Falcon was when she was the aide for gabes kinder teacher. She came up to me and told me how sweet Gabe was, that she loved that I knew his love language and that it was obvious that he came from a God loving home. That melted my heart and I was hooked! I later found out we went to the same church and when I found out she was going to be a kindergarten teacher, I knew Juliana had to have her! 

Gabe started 2nd grade! I can hardley stand it! 
Again I feel like he got really fortunate with the teacher he got. He has Mrs. Mauzy and I know she will do everything she can to pull out the best of him. He struggles with reading and writing but loves math. I know he will have a great year!

Today as I was walking the kids to school there was a little boy walking with his younger twin sisters. I started talking to them and one of the little girls said, "our brother had to watch us cause we are difficult." I thought it was so sad that the first way they knew to describe themselves was as "difficult". It reminded me that what we say to our kids sticks with them. It can define them, it can cause them to see themselves that way as they grow up and it can make them act that way, because.. Well why not? Mom says I'm difficult so I might as well be difficult! We need to speak positive into our kids lives. Tell them who they are, by using character words not descriptive words. Talk about their kind hearts, their giving nature, their ability to lead, to care for others. We talk a lot in my house about having a beautiful heart, and why that's more important than how you look on the outside. Let's be a generation who raises kids who love people more than they love themselves, it's really hard in this "selfie" generation, so let's be examples to them by not being self absorbed and by speaking love into their little lives. We got this mamas! Cheers to another school year! 

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Trust In His Timing

One of my favorite things to do is to read the kids Bible books with them at night. I know that might sound cheesy but I have learned more from those little books then I ever knew possible! The one we are loving right now is The Jesus Storybook Bible. It speaks on every level and explains it in a way that anyone can understand. I also love that at the end of every chapter it points to Jesus, which in turn teaches the kids that since the very beginning the answer has always been Jesus.

Recently we were reading the story from Luke 8 about a man who asks God to heal his little girl.

The story goes like this (These are all my own words and I am paraphrasing):

A man, Jairus fell at Jesus feet in desperation for his one and only 12 year old daughter was dying.

Lets stop here... imagine being a parent of a child who was not just sick, but DYING. I know how I have felt just when my children have been sick or hurt, that desperation to help them feel better or questioning whether they needed more help then I could give them. It can be so very scary! So this poor guy is DESPERATE! Desperate for help and crying out to Jesus for that help.

Jesus agrees to go with the man, along the way a very sick woman, who had tried everything to be healed (for 12 years) touches Jesus' robe. By touching the robe she is healed (really because of her faith). In Jesus sensitivity He feels her and knows that He has been touched and has healed someone. He stops.

Remember, Jesus and Jairus are on a mission, they are going to save a little girl. It's an EMERGENCY! But Jesus STOPS. Can you imagine how Jairus is feeling? If it were me I would be more then annoyed, anxious, maybe even a little angry. "Let's go Jesus! We have somewhere to be! My daughter is dying and she is important!"

Jesus takes the time to find out who touched Him and the woman professes why she touched Him, full of shame I can imagine, for her disease was not one that was acceptable at all. She declared how she had been healed right away and Jesus told her that because of her faith she was made well.

I love this part because Jesus took the time to talk with her, heal her, love on her and reassure her. How many times do we pass by the sad, the weak, the needy, without even a second glance? We are too busy, we have somewhere to be, someone else is more important. I believe that a simple smile can change the course of someone's day. Asking someone how they are and actually listening and responding. If you see a homeless person on the corner on your way into Target then buy a bottle of water to give them on your way out. Tiny little exchanges of love can make all of the difference in the world.

Ok, so back to our man Jairus.. I would imagine at this point that he is flipping out. Time is a wasting Jesus! We are human and time is very precious to us.. every second counts!

As time is passing Jairus gets word that his daughter is dead, there is no point in bothering Jesus to heal her.

Wait What?!
Oh the fury! The madness! The Pain! Can you imagine?!

Jesus told Jairus, " Do not fear; only believe, and she will be well."

You JUST saw Jesus perform a miracle, so you know of His goodness... do you believe? Or do you think, Jesus if you hadn't stopped to help that lady my daughter would be alive?!

Jesus goes to the house, all are sad and weeping. Jesus announces that she is not dead, but sleeping. Everyone laughs because they know the truth. Jesus grabs her hand and tells her "Child arise" and her spirit returned to her and she got up at once. HER PARENTS WERE AMAZED.

Everyone is still sad and clearly they don't believe that Jesus can bring her back to life. When He did raise her to life they were AMAZED. Really?!

I have 2 directions I want to go with this passage. Just take this little ride with me.

First of all, how many times do we see God work, whether big or small, yet the very next day we question His goodness, His faithfulness, His love and plan for us? How many times do we see His power in the Bible yet we see people question Him just hours later?

Example, the 12 disciples on the boat in the storm, not trusting God after He had JUST fed thousands upon thousands of people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. They questioned him right after seeing His goodness. (Matthew14)

Yet, we do that, we question Him at the very second that we don't feel Him or see Him or... get our way. We question Him when we don't understand WHY He would allow something bad to happen to us. We get angry, we turn away from Him.

The second point I want to show is that EVERYTHING is in God's timing. Think about it this way, if Jesus had shown up when the girl was only sick, it would have been just another healing miracle (that's no small thing but I imagine at this time it was becoming more and more common to hear about). Yet in His time, slowly getting there, when He was ready, He was able to preform a bigger miracle. Giving God more of the glory.

Recently, I was in a lot of pain and after 3 days of it I had a moment of anger come through, I started to get angry at God. Asking why He wouldn't just take the pain away. In that same moment I stopped myself and I decided that no matter what I would praise Him through it. I could question the timing, or ask why me God? I could get angry, I could turn against Him. Yet I truly believe that everything is in His timing and for His good. This is a trial that He is taking me through for a reason. I committed to making sure that through it all He gets the glory. Whether times are good or bad God is good. His plan is the ultimate plan.

Don't ask why God is doing this to me. Ask why not me? and how can I turn this into something that can be used for God's glory?

Let's be like Jairus and the sick woman who cry out to Jesus (The Great Physician), who believe Him, trust Him, follow Him and allow Him alone to heal us. Always trust His timing, it is always right and it is always good.

Be Desperate For Jesus
Cry out to Him
Have Faith
Do Not Fear
Believe Him

Saturday, January 9, 2016

My anything

I know we say this every year but SERIOUSLY what happen to 2015? The years go by faster and faster somehow and yet it is so bittersweet. I can look back on the last year and see what a gift, what an amazing blessing it was for me. I can see ahead also and see that this year has so much more potential and it makes me so excited! 

Last year I decided to change my thinking, my habits, deepen my faith, serve more and work on my marriage more. 

Last year was a year of big prayers for me. My prayers became bigger and deeper and, I think, for the first time I actually believed what I was praying for. In May I started to read Anything by Jennie Allen She challenges you to fully commit and tell God that you will do ANYTHING for Him. It's pretty scary when you think about it, because if there truly is a God then He really is going to listen and take you up on that offer. The bible tells us several time to "test" God.

                                                   "Do not be conformed to this world,
but be transformed by the renewal of your mind,
that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and acceptable and perfect."
~ Romans 12:2

I decided, what can it hurt? Either God uses me... or He doesn't. I desperately wanted Him too though. Soon after I started praying that prayer is when things began to happen. I had been praying for a mentor for months, all in the same week I got a personal mentor and marriage mentors. I think this was a huge first step, because for me to be able to do ANYTHING for God my personal life needs to be solid. My marriage has to be upright and on solid ground {I'm not implying that it was not}. Jorge has to know that no matter what I am doing for the Church that I love him with all of my heart and he has to be my backbone and support me so that I can have the courage and confidence to do what I am being called to do. I had to learn to be content in my relationship with God and learn that just "being still" is enough, that the "doing" {serving} will flow from my "being". There is so much to learn about yourself before you can run out and be a hard core advocate for Jesus. These are things I didn't know or understand a year ago.

If I kept going the way that I had been going I would be exhausted and probably a little bitter. I learned that spending time in your Bible with Jesus is so much more important then serving. I thought that I needed to PROVE my Love to God by constantly serving and doing. To the point that I was frustrated and overwhelmed. When I slowed down and I fully immersed myself in the word, that is when I really began to see things happen.

After my Anything prayer is when all of the Women's Events opportunities came {You can read my previous post for that story}.

I have seen amazing changes in my marriage, in my husband and in my kids this past year. There is no way to explain it.. but God.

This year has already presented an amazing opportunity for me. The relationships that God has weaved beautifully into my life feels so undeserved. The fact that He is actually using me for something bigger then I ever imagined is beyond my comprehension. When I prayed that prayer I never could have dreamed of what would happen and what will happen this year.

I can tell you that as scary as the prayer is at times, and even the things that He has asked me to do at times have seem impossible, He has never left me or forsaken me. I don't think He has any intention to, and I have no intention of giving up my ANYTHING prayer.

This year I challenge you to:

pray the anything prayer for a solid 6 months

Read your Bible at least 3 times a week

Be more intentional with your prayers

You will see big changes, I can guarantee it!