Sunday, October 19, 2014

Ghosts of the Past

I grew up in the small town that I still live in. There are great things about this and there are not so great things about it. It can be hard becoming who you want to be in a place where people constantly remind you of who you were. You see someone who knew you when you were a horrible girlfriend, and you wonder if they are thinking to themselves," I bet she's an awful wife to that poor sweet guy." They don't know that you love your husband passionately and would never treat him the way you treated the boyfriends of the past. Or you see people who used to be such close friends, those friends that you NEVER thought would betray you, but they do, in unimaginable ways. They are the friends that know the bad things you did in your past that you wonder if they are thinking, "she hasn't actually changed, she's faking it, she will always be that 'mean girl' that she was." They cause you to question yourself, to be reminded of the past, the past that you thought you had put behind you. They make you feel insignificant, small, weak, they get inside of your head without even trying. 
In the past few weeks I have seen 3 "friends" from my past. Each one was a great friend to me at one time or another but each one betrayed me in ways that I never thought were possible. I'm sure I wasn't innocent in all Of these situations but I do know that ultimately it was their final betrayals that ended these friendships. How can you go from being BEST friends to not even being able to be in the same room together? Two of the girls I can see somewhere in town and just pretend like they are strangers, like we never even knew eachother. It is still akward at times but it is what it is. The 3rd is a harder situation, one that I don't want to deal with at all. Yet suddenly here I am, having to deal with it. 

A week ago After seeing all 3 of these people I realized that maybe I had not fully forgiven them all, them as a person and their actions. So I said a sincere prayer of forgiveness, also asking to be forgiven for the part I may have played in all of the situations. I thought I was good, I thought I was okay. Until I ran into one of the girls again. Now I'm frazzled, insecure, thinking things that I haven't in years, feeling things I haven't in years. I'm sitting here writing about it, stewing on it rather then spending time with my family, working on the final projects for the event I have Friday night, and worst of all thinking about how I need to bail on a commitment I made, to the church that I finally decided was home. 

Yet, I know this is all satan getting in my head. He is taking advantage of a weak moment, he got inside of my head and he took over for about 30 minutes. My enemy is not that girl, or anyone else from my past, it is satan, always satan. He knows how to use other people against us, he studies us, he knows our weaknesses. 

Mat 26:41 "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

1 Peter 5:8 "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour."

Seeing this old "friend" raises insecurities and brings back bad feelings. I can choose to play on those feelings and let satan have a field day with my thoughts or I can take control of it, aknowledge the true enemy and move on. 

Next time I see her I may still get that knot in my stomach, but I will be able to control my thoughts and my actions much better knowing that Gods got my back and that I have control of my feelings. My past is the past, it's so insignificant considering where I am at in my life right now. I have the most amazing family, the best friends who speak love and truth into my life daily and a God who is bigger than any one or thing that could ever try to take me captive. 

Have a great week and try to be on the look out for the true enemy this week.. he will try to sneak in at any given moment, don't let him!