When you get that gut feeling that something just is not right it's not always easy to accept. After waiting 31 days for my "red headed cousin" to come to town I finally gave in and took a test.. yes a pregnancy test. All along thinking NO!NO!NO!
Over the past 5 months I had become OK with only having 2 children, so much so that I was planning on having Jorge fixed {I know, he's not a dog} in the next month or so. Since having Juliana, Jorge and I had said we were done. I convinced him to wait until she was 2 to do anything permanent just to be sure that I truly was OK with it. Over that time period my prayer was always the same, " Dear God, if it is your will for me to have another child then I leave it completely in your hands." This meant that it HAD to be an accident because I was not going to try to have a baby and I honestly thought that it would not ever "accidentally" happen.
Well....it did.
I called in Jorge to tell him and he instantly knew. He smiled that proud.."I still got it" smile.
He left Jan 2 for Afghanistan and my tiredness and nausea set in. It was a horrible 10 weeks total. I was miserable and found myself yelling at the kids constantly. I found myself sad about the thought of having another baby. People would congratulate me and it would take everything in me to not burst into tears. I felt like having another baby would hold me back, change me. I have overcome so much just in the last year and I have found myself in ways that I can't explain. I have made commitments that I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep. After I had Juliana I completely lost myself and I was scared to go through that again. But then something happened. The tiredness went away and the nausea got better. I got a new breath of fresh air.
And all along I have had that sweet whisper in my heart that keeps telling me, "everything is going to be just fine, this baby is a blessing!".
I know that this baby is a blessing, a sweet gift from God, but my selfishness got in the way of seeing it that way. I have had people come to me and ask me to do things for them, they don't see my pregnancy as a hindrance they still see me for me and that has helped open my eyes enormously.
Sometimes God gives us gifts and it can be hard to accept them, some are not as big as this one that I have received {Some are much bigger and more complicated} sometimes they are smaller but we don't understand why he gave it to us or how to accept it. Instead of questioning it, I think we need to thank Him for it and ask how we can best use this gift.
Example:If you lose your job, don't get angry with God and question Him. Open up your heart and let Him guide you. If you let Him take you where you are truly meant to be then you will have peace and that is a true gift. I can give so many more examples but I think you get the point. A negative thing can be a gift from God even if you can't see it until it is all said and done.
John 14:1
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God."
I want to share this letter that my friend Christie sent me, it spoke right to my heart:
An Open Letter to My Surprise Baby
by Alex
by Alex
It was a surprise. One of the biggest of my life. Those two little lines on the pregnancy test. They popped up so fast. I wasn’t ready for them. Even though I’d made a special trip that afternoon to Walgreen’s, I didn’t really think it was a possibility. But there it was. A baby was coming. You were coming.I was done. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Caring for your Daddy and your sisters were all I could manage. At least that’s what I thought. I have no more room. Those were the words that kept coming to mind. No more room for what another person in this family requires. More work. More time. More attention.
I knew this day would come. This day when I couldn’t imagine life without you. I knew it in my head those first few weeks. I just couldn’t feel it. So I trusted and believed this day would come.
Really it’s been here for a while. This loving you like crazy. Though I eased into it with my feet in both worlds for a while, the worlds of disbelief and enchantment. But there’s no question now. I’m fully in. I had a scare a few days ago that I would lose you in some way. You bonked your head, your eyes rolled back, your face purple. And then in my arms your shoulders slumped and your body went limp. For three seconds time stopped. Until you opened your eyes again, looked around and screamed.
I knew this day would come when my heart would break at the thought of any part of you gone. I just couldn’t see it at first. I didn’t know you. You weren’t a surprise to God. But you were a surprise to me.
Now there’s no question there’s a spot for you. In the car your car seat sits strapped waiting for your diaper buns to be plopped in. At the dinner table your highchair is rolled up to the edge so you can sit like your big girl sisters with Mommy and Daddy. Every family portrait your big sisters draw has four girls. There is no question which one is you. You are the tiniest. On those nights you are tucked in early, we all sense you are missing from our dinner conversation. Because there was always room for you. At the table. In our family. In our hearts.
More room than I could ever have imagined. You weren’t a surprise to God. But you were a surprise to me. The best of my life.
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