Thursday, September 6, 2018

Will I Ever Change?





I have had these thoughts that have overwhelmed me so much that I have wanted to write them down but when I think about writing it down I get overwhelmed! There are so many things that I don't DO because the "doing" them overwhelms me. The thought of doing it wrong, or bad or not being able to do it fully, gets me every time. So instead... I do nothing. 

Genius, right?! 

I used to at least start... start a project or start writing (i.e. I started this blog 9 years ago) but I found out I was really bad at completing the projects. Honestly, I can't even paint my nails without getting bored or frustrated so I just stopped doing it. What is the point of starting projects you won't finish? That you will only be disappointed in yourself in the end? 

When I have thought about this blog I have thought about how inconsistent I have been and how I don't have 1 subject that I focus in on and so when I think of writing on here... I decide it's probably not worth it. 

But then something happens...

like this past week... when I have a thought that is so overwhelming that I just HAVE to write it down. I can't overthink it, I just have to do it! 

It may not be a thought that is interesting to anyone but me, but I felt like I got so much insight that I need to write it down for my own future, for my own knowledge and memory. 

Juliana, my middle child who is SO my child, if you know what I mean... we have a lot of talks about her behavior. She has a little bit of a listening problem and a little problem with not doing what she is told. She is the sweetest girl and she is full of leadership skills but she dances, or cartwheels, to the beat of her own drum. 

We often have conversation's about her behavior. She asks me, "mom am I bad?" and I tell her that she is not bad but she does make bad choices which have consequences. She seems to get it but she still has issues listening. The other night as we were talking, she sat down across from me and looking worn and discouraged she asked me, "mom will I always be like this?". 

Heartbreaker

It broke my heart to think that she thought that she was incapable of changing. As her mom I can see the small change she needs to make; just do as you are told! It is so easy! What she does, does not make her bad or unchangeable. The choices she makes does not dictate who she is. But to her it feels so big, she feels BAD and she feels trapped like she will always be bad or she will always not listen. 

I don't see a bad little girl, I see a girl with a huge heart, who loves with all that she has, who could make one small change to be a better version of herself. 

Having this conversation with Juliana hit me like a Mac truck. I think the exact same way as my 7-year-old does! I do things or think things that I feel like dictate who I am. When I fail at something, I call myself a Failure. When I mess up in leading I decide that I must not be a good leader and I should never lead anyone. I wrap my identity in what I do, to decide who I am. 

I am bad!

When I am overwhelmed by the thoughts of my shortcomings I decide that I will never be able to change. Change can feel soooo hard. It can feel so distant and impossible and sometimes I decide "this is who I am and who I will always be". But this conversation with Juliana made me realize that God sees me the same way I see Juliana. He sees the changes that I can make to be the best version of me. He sees that it is not impossible, it is just a matter of being intentional about changing. And He sees that I am not my mistakes, my shortcomings, my actions or my reactions.

He sees all of me!

He gives me grace when I try and I fail, He is rooting for me just like I am rooting for Juliana. When I catch her listening I do my best to acknowledge it and encourage it. In fact, since that conversation, we have both been doing better. My frustration with her has lessened and my response to her has made her want to try harder to listen. 

In my own moments of despair, I go back to this conversation with my 7-year-old, and I remind myself that I am a Child of a God who sees me, who sees that little change that I need to make and He is looking at me seeing all of the good in me, not all of my shortcomings. 

In the end, I think it is worth it to start the projects, to dream the big dreams and go after them. To blog even if it will only be once this year. Finishing the projects is not always as important as starting them. Remembering that if I do fail, I am not a failure, that is not who I am. I am capable of change and growth just like Juliana is and I can't let it feel too big to take it on. 

Hang in there and never stop trying to be the best version of yourself that you can be! 






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