Sitting on the floor, looking up at the big green tree I felt so happy, such joy. I looked up the gorgeous stairs and to the high ceilings in a home that wasn't mine. It wasn't anyone's home. It was a model home and it was where we celebrated our Christmas that year.
When I was a kid I loved Christmas! What kid doesn't?! I loved the cookies, the food, the gifts, but most of all I LOVED having so many people around. Family was the absolute best part of Christmas for me. I grew up with 2 sets of grandparents plus a step-grandma, each one of them spoiled me like crazy. I didn't have a ton of cousins but it always felt so full, packed in tiny houses, it was so comfy.
As I grew older Christmas changed a little, but not too much. It wasn't until my mom and step dad got a divorce that things changed. Suddenly Christmas' felt smaller, it was not as big and grand as it had been. My stepdad would give us amazing gifts for Christmas and his family was a big part of our Christmas'. That all changed, and being 13 Christmas was beginning to change with my cousins and grandparents, as us kids got older I would imagine it was less fun for them to get us gifts or to convince us to enjoy time with them. That is also the year my grandma died, so our family did not have Christmas at my mom's parents anymore after that. Everything just seemed to fall apart that year.
I know my mom wanted to give my little brother and I the best Christmas she could, but she was a single mom selling real estate living off of commission. So this particular Christmas she took us to a model home that had a huge tree set up. She had put our presents under the tree. I wanted this silly laughing monkey for Christmas that year but the reality was that I knew I probably wouldn't get it. She let my best friend go with us, which was a gift in itself. I remember opening the present and it was that silly monkey. I was so happy! For just a minute I could pretend like we lived like normal people, in a big fancy house, with awesome gifts and a beautiful tree. I could pretend like Christmas was normal just like everyone else.
As time went on Christmas became less and less important to me. I enjoyed it less every year to the point of becoming resentful of it. I would think of all of the family that was not around, and of the traditions that had been lost. I thought when I had kids it would change but instead I became resentful of the money I had to spend. My sweet friend Caycee called me Grinch for years, and she wasn't wrong at all. I would admit to hating Christmas time every year. Every year I would have a pep talk with myself, to really try to enjoy the season. I really did try, but I struggled with it each year.
I think things changed 2 years ago when my grandparents passed away. (Click here to read)
I know losing your grandparents over Christmas would typically make people more resentful of Christmas but instead, it made me appreciate it more. Through my grandparent's deaths, I saw so much of God's hand in the whole thing that now it serves as a reminder of His goodness and faithfulness.
This year I didn't have a pep talk with myself, but I did consider the reasons why Christmas had been such a struggle for me. When I realized some of those things from my childhood I was able to let go of them and decide that I want my kids to experience Jesus for Christmas, not just the gifts or the people. I want them to be able to enjoy the season every year, no matter the situation because seasons change. People will come and go, kids will grow up, the money will run out, but Jesus is constant and as cliche as it can feel, Jesus IS the reason for the season. This year I am working hard to see Jesus in every day, and to point out, to the kids, the gifts we have because of Him every day.
I am embracing this season as fully as I can, my kids will never be this little again, I never want them to feel disappointed by Christmas. The truth is, I have only ever been disappointed because of my own selfishness, I don't like change and I think I have been scared that if I start traditions or allow myself to enjoy the holiday that one day when things change again, I will be disappointed all over again.
The Christmas blues are real, and even though people may be Grinchy for Christmas, it doesn't mean they want to be that way. Sometimes we just need help seeing the benefit of the changes and to be reminded that Christmas is not about me or my kids or family or gifts, but it is to celebrate the fact that God sent His living sacrifice into this sinful world to save our lives. With that in your heart, you can enjoy every year and every change in every season.
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